every fever must eventually break.
every fever must eventually break.
as theodore roethke would say, “i stay up half the night to see the land i love.”
jk. i stay up half the night to finish studying for midterms i’m severely under-prepared for.
i’m trying to learn how to operate in a world where aggression is not acceptable. i think about freud and i feel 2 times as restrained. first because men in society are necessarily neutered, and then a second manacling because as a woman i am not supposed to have so many unspeakable urges.
if a girl screams into her pillow and it makes a noise but nobody hears it because the walls are thick and the door is closed and the pillow is thick- does she really make a sound?
i can’t live without sweating profusely and frowning a lot. there are perpetual floaters in my eyes. i can’t forget anything that has been done to me, and yet i can’t stop laughing.
all i want is to exist in a world of boundless beauty but to do that i’ve got to do ugly things like work and fret all night and beat down the competition. there are scars on my fingers.
i am eating a bag of potato chips and wondering how recently potato the chips are.
i need my spirit to come back inside me before i can study again. outside of my body my spirit runs barefoot down hollow halls on campus, peering into bushes, waving at people, stressing over this and that. and what about you, martin luther? i stare at the blood in the bowl and wonder how i can be enlightened when such unspeakable ugly exists.
(on the brink of being okay again)
Anonymous asked: May you do well on finals.
Wow, thank you! I hope so too, friendship!
i came here for three things.
aristotle says all our actions are oriented towards the highest good which is happiness. well, all of my actions starting from today right now will be oriented towards one of these three things. it should be a nice, simple way to live.
my paper on immanuel kant is titled: “kant get no satisfaction.”
i am simultaneously proud and ashamed of myself. also what i really want to be doing right now is scavving but here i am, rooted to my plastic chair, eating in front of the fan and typing with one hand.
i forgot how beautiful it is when everyone works together to a single goal. little wonder that we can commit atrocities, so long as we are all solemn and serious and singular. and at the same time this is the machine through which we achieve greatness: teamwork.
it’s so nice to see people’s faces concentrating hard and for once there’s none of the terror of what-do-i-do-before-me-stands-another-human. instead words come easy and you don’t need to socialize when there is a task at hand. what a relief.
i do not think i will sleep tonight but it is okay because so aren’t lots of other people. i justify all i do through group consensus which is a painful mode of existence.
still, everything is not terrible right now. just tremendous work (a post to make on chalk about malcom x and this kant business and then i’m free to scav.)
may the 4th be with you!
let’s face it. if my life were a horror movie, i would be the final girl. i’m paranoid enough for it!
and how will i talk about this when it’s over, when i make it through on the other side
who doesn’t like to see a beautiful, perfect, complete thing and take it and shake it to bits and smash it up and render it a wreck? nobody, that’s who.
i always look back on the things i wrote and the things i said and realize that a lot of it was bs. i also look back on the things people told me and realize it was a lot of bunk too. i guess nobody really ever knows what they’re talking about and to ever make a sweeping statement is presumptuous. doesn’t stop me from trying though.